Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Lady T had a "grandma asthma attack"?!?!?! We will miss you Teena Marie

I am in no way joking about Teena Marie. She was truly a legend and I will miss her music. I love that joint she got with Faith Evans and her talent was just awesome. But the way I found out about Lady T's death deserves a blog post. You had to be there, but reading it here it will be just as funny.


AGAIN I am in no way poking fun at Teena Marie. Just the country 'bamas in my family. So don't be emailing me yo dirty comments about how I am respecting a legend or whatever.

Okay here is the story........................

So there we are sitting at the table with the fam just chilling after the holiday. One of my relatives walks in the door damn near in tears. We all look around like 'what happened"? And here is what was said:

"Girllllll did you hear what happened to Teena Marie? We just heard on the radio that she died. 

**all gasp** 

" girlfriend just called me and said she had a "grandma asthma attack". 

*everyone looks around confused*

"I don't even know what that is. I guess its something old people have."

*everyone still looking around confused*

Conversation goes on for a few minutes.........

"You know what? It wasn't a Grandma Asthma Attack.....It was a Grandma Seizure!!!!"

*confused look around the room again*

Someone replies "Ohhhhh, a Grand Mal Seizure???"

"Yeah that's it!"


Okay, yes my family is country....and no there were no confirmed stories at the time of Teena Marie's death or cause of it....but a "Grandma Asthma Attack/Grandma Seizure"????? iDied like 4 times but came back because my life insurance policy had lapsed ***Note to self: pay insurance***

Not a "Grandma Seizure" doe???? For real??? Is that what had happened???

I knew my family was country as hell but that one took ALL the cake. I still love the person who said this....but you is soooo KUNTRAY!!!! I swear I was about to write down "Grandma Asthma Attack" so I could do a #twitterpoll or Google search on it later. I just knew my friends on Twitter would be able to let me know what it was. But when they said "Grandma Seizure" that was it..I was too th'u.

Make fun of my gramma all you want to.....but this one tops anything I have eva, Eva, EVA EVA EVA said on here.*Chris Tucker voice*

Still CTHU,


Sunday, December 26, 2010

Soul Food....Good for the soul??????

So many of you know that my immediate family doesn't really celebrate the holidays like most of America does. We still however do go and visit family and have dinner and things like that. I just read my brother from another mother and twice removed six times post about how he LOATHES summa the nasty stuff we graciously call soul food or as my Father-in-Law calls it "Church Food".

It is so funny how people be ready to take away your "being black card" (BBC) if you don't eat that mess. I remember when one of my brothers told someone he didn't eat chicken, ESPECIALLY fried chicken, and they nearly passed out from shock. They was like "whuuuuuttttt????? you'on eat chicken? I knew you light skinnd'ed people was suspect." He also doesn't eat macaroni, skrimps, chit'lins, and some other stuff that is supposed to qualify us for the BBC. I don't find anything wrong with it, but I think his BBC has been confiscated indefinitely.

I don't eat turkey, ham, chitlins, neck bones, and a host of other "black foods" that would make me ineligible for the BBC too. Guess what????? I'on e'en care. I don't qualify for most credit cards on the market either so I don't feel left out. If eatin a chit'lin will get me in the VIP section of the club, just call me a lame. Cuz I ain't goin.

I be eatin sushi, wine and cheese and other exotic foods that other foods that some ghetto folks probably would never see or even try....well unless some rapper raps about it. Then everybody be hollin "ooo I like moscato" when they ain't neva had wine in they life unless you count arbor mist.

Anyway...this is my confession....My name is LuvMeNaturally and I ain't got no BBC card. *whips hair and walks off*



Monday, December 20, 2010

What Be Irkin' Me? - Volume 1

Yep I had to separate these into volumes because I know there will probably be plenty more of these. I just thought I would make a post of these things so you all can stop doing them know what bugs me the most. I can't think of them all at once, I usually figure out how irritated I am after people continuously piss me off....but trust me there will be plenty of updates on this subject to come. So here we go for the 1st edition of my pet peeves:

1. Side-ho's - Now y'all know this was gonna be the FIRST one. This is absolutely my BIGGEST pet peeve. Why would you want to be a sideline-ho? What do you really think you are worth if you have to be with somebody else's wife/husband? I really hate when they feel that they are "winning" cuz they are able to pull somebody else's least temporarily. Here's a thought: Don't you think people who can pull their OWN man are winning more than you are??? I mean really....People irritate me sooooo bad with their excuses for being down with O.P.P.

2. Your vs. You're - Okay so I am NO English professor...y'all be readin these posts so you should know *rolls eyes*..but I seriously loathe seeing people repeatedly say stuff like "your awesome" or "your welcome". I can understand using the wrong "who's or whose" or "to, too, or two" every now and then.....but these are TWO DIFFERENT WORDS (I used the right "two" HAHA). I even can understand seeing it on FB or twitter....but when your College Professor uses it?????? *throws everything off the table*. Just un-enroll from the institution...don't even ask for your money back just keep walkin.

3. Calling me by my GUBMENT name - Yes I said it GUBMENT name. Now some people have approval to do this...and they know who they are. I always introduce myself by my gubment in a professional setting and always follow by saying "Please call me 'usual name' thanks". There are a few people who I know keep calling me by my gubment name just to make me look like this:

This is how I be wanting to react
They know good and hell well that they don't be callin me by the Gubment name. This one lady will be all in my face callin me by my "usual" name (or nick name) then when she get in her moods she wanna get all GUBMENT on me.....QUIT PLAYIN HEFFA!!!! That's like calling Bill Clinton "William" or Will Smith "Willard" me what I ask you to call me dammit *rolls eyes...punches wall*

4. Not knowing when you're welcome -  (notice I used You're) I cannot STAND it when people don't get the hint. Me and my girl joke about this all the time. We will be sitting there having a conversation and then someone will walk up and we get quiet. Now usually that is a sign that either A) We was taunboutchu or B) We don't wan't you to know what we was taunbout. *trowing my Pinky tantrum* Either way it goes you are NOT welcome. Don't come satchoass down like you part of the conversation. Or when you come and talk to me and I 1)barely acknowledge you 2) am on the phone 3) roll my eyes and turn my back......can't you get the hint???? Go'on now....skeedaddle!

5. Puttin yo nose in my food - Okay not literally, but dontchu hate when somebody be like what you tell them.....then they stand there like you supposed to make them a plate? Then put they face by it like oooo that smell good *slaps them* GONE SOMEWHERE AND SADDOWN. Don't be blowin yo boogers all in my food. You ain't offer me nunna yo co'nbread you had for lunch.

6. Internet Bullies - This has caused me to unfollow MANY people on YouTube, Twitter, FB, or any other social networking site. I can't stand a person who thinks that because they have 1000 friends/followers/subscribers that this means they can bully people. I had this one dude who had all these lil ugly jobless girls backing him up when he was tryna roast somebody so he thought he was doin it....Um boo boo don't nobody care that you got a buncha welfare chicks with 7 kids and 8 baby daddies backin you up....that don't give you no cred.........*clicks unfollow and block button*

7. People all up in my computer screen - If I am sitting at MY computer typing, that does not welcome you to what is on my screen. Ain't nobody tell you this was yo bidness!!!! What if I was sending sex texts to my man or something?!?!?! I'on wantchu readin them. Imma just start typing vulgar stuff when people do this just so they can get offended. Like as soon as they look at my screen imma G Chat somebody "aye how was that animal sex you had last night? I heard that was some good stuff!" or "well Kells maybe them young girls like when you pee on 'em so keep doin it". Maybe that will stop them from looking at my screen *writes this down for future reference*

8. People with bad hygiene - Okay this one is sensitive but ohhhhhhhhh so necessary. Now we all have had our bad days of eating too many onions at Chipotle or that 2nd cup of coffee. There are even a few of us who ONE DAY was rushing out the shower and forgot the deodorant......but when you got somebody that stank EVERY DAY????? That is an issue. I know this one girl who had the NERVE to say something about other people needing to wear deodorant and I immediately gave her the Prince Side-Eye:
The CLASSIC Prince Side-Eye

I know TA HELL YOU DIDN'T??????? This stanky heffa come up in there er'day FONKAY. I am not even taunbout just deodorant. You can smell this girl's pancreas stankin. I'm like "really, seriously, you gon' just tell them to put on some deodorant when you evidently have ostracized this very thing from your toiletry aresenal???" Heffa say what?!?!?!

It's one thing when you have a bad day or afternoon, but a bad lifetime???? Oh no you didn't!

9. Know-It-All's (KIAs) - Okay let me define this before people look at me like I am crazy. A "know-it-all" (or KIA) is not a person who just knows a lot. A know it all is a person who THINKS they know everything AND are not willing to admit when they are wrong. I know this one lady who will be like "The sky is red" then when you show her the sky is blue she will be like "well right now it looks blue, but you have to think about those people who are color blind and can only see out of one eye while wearing rose colored glasses." Come on nah....just admit you are wrong. Sometimes it is okay to just bow out gracefully.

And Finally

10.  People who always gotta have a better story than you - this one is a little bit different from a KIA because they just always in everybody business and tryna make they business better. You can be tellin a story about how painful your child birth experience was...then here they come....and ain't even got no kids taunbout "well when I went to the hospital with my sister she had been in labor for 5 days...oh it was such a traumatic experience.....blah blah blah blah..." you get the point.  Why you always gotta outshine er;body else? Let people get they lil spotlight. Don't nobody even care about your was adopted anyway!

I know y'all got some pet peeves too. Don't be judging me. Leave them in the comments :)

Slightly Annoyed,


Saturday, December 18, 2010

What???? Your boyfriend has a girlfriend???

I hear many people debate on whether or not it is okay for a person in a relationship to have "good" friends of the opposite sex. Some females will say things like "well I don't like females so I hang wit dudes" and others may say "Why allow the temptation around your relationship?" It is a debate that many may have for a long time, but is there really a concern?

When I met my now husband (then boyfriend). He had a lot of female friends. Him and his guys had a lot of girls that would come around. I was cool with the guys and the girls. I mean, most of the guys are like my brothers until this day. Hell I even kicked it with his exes on occasion. I never had a problem with the exes. They always respected me and were real cool. HOWEVER....summa them other chicks was ackin shady like I stole they man or something.

Now I do understand that many of the ho's they hung around was passed through the group (we will call them The Deen Crew) back in the day. I mean I see summa these girls and I will ask "okay which one of y'all hit that (or came close to it)" and usually at least 2 will raise their hand. I think the chicks feel like it is an obligation to stick around so they can make sure to meet the quota of sleeping with 3 or more of "The Deen Crew" in their lifetime. The PROBLEM I have with this, is I think summa these ho's still try to keep my man in this loop (actually I don't think..I know...cuz they have tried).

Now what happens is the ho's come around taumbout "yeah we been close since we lived on ABC street" or "we grew up together so we like cousins" or the famous one "he been like my brother since High School". Of course my husband and I talk about EVERYTHING, so when I ask him he is just like "Iono where they got that from. We was cool but I ain't never call her my sister." So why does she call you brother/cousin/bff now??? It just trips me out because What the hell are they tryna prove?

I know all of the girls who are like sisters and cousins to my man....wanna know why???? Because all of them call me sister or cousin just like they call him. They will call my phone just as much as they call his. They invite me to the birthday parties and tell me to bring him....That is how I know they respect me...these other chicks on the other hand don't act the same way.

The other chicks call him brother and cousin but call me...well ain't no tellin what they be callin me LOL. They will invite HIM to things but not invite me.....thankfully I have a man who truly respects me and will decline any invitation that doesn't have his wife's name on it. Not that I HAVE to go...but he wants to have the option of at least knowing I am as welcomed as he is. If I ain't welcome, he ain't goin and vice versa.

The moral to the story behind this long rant is.........Friends of the opposite sex are okay as long as they can always be mutual friends of you both and they respect you. Yes you always have to be cautious because some ho's will smile in yo face taumbout "oh you so cool" then be tryna get it in wit yo man/woman behind your back. So the key is that first you and your mate respect one another, then make sure people on the outside respect your mate as well. Then just be ready to slap a ho' if they cross the line LOL.

Now I am not saying just go out and make random friends with people of the opposite sex, especially one's that were not around from the beginning. That could be a bomb waiting to explode and turn into a Side-ho. But I am saying that it can happen.

What are your thoughts?


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What is the "Holy Ghost Dip"

I have been getting a lot of messages from people asking "What do you mean Holy Ghost Dip?". I use this phrase in many of my posts when I am referring to a moment where I get really know like those women in church who get ta dancing and everything???? Y'all know what I'm taumbout??? You don't??? Oh well here is what I mean when I say "Holy Ghost Dip"

So now you know what I am doing when I say this. You should try it!!!


Saturday, December 11, 2010

How I know that side-ho's are NOT winning in 2010...........

Yep I been keeping score. Since ho's wanna play the game like they winners I had to let it be ho's that wanna be on the side are setting up for failure. You'on believe me??? You're wrong! Wanna know why? Well check out this post about side-ho's and how they completely fail at life.

In this post I will show you how the #1 wifey (or husband) is ahead of the game. You think you doin something side-ho????? Think again. Wives may go through some hell after dealing with you side-ho's, but they still WIN, WIN NO MATTER WHAT *throws hands UP...and they stay there, and they stay there, and they stay there*. OH, where was I??? Oh yeah. You side ho's think you doin something but even if the victim person that has been cheated on leaves, divorces, yada yada.....they are still winning.

Check out the play by play.......(****note*** again in this post I use wives as the example but you side-ho men ain't exempt. You are losers as well).

Ike and Tina Turner

Married for 16 years and fo' sho' Ike had a side-ho or 3. I don't know if y'all seen "What's Love Got to do with it" but every time one of em came, they soon left. He wasn't leavin Tina. None of them won. Eventually they got divorced but guess what. We STILL be listening to Tina and watchin her do her thang and she KEPT that name even when he was trippin cuz his daddy gave him that name O__o And where Ike at (well now rest his soul but I mean before that)??? Yep didn't think you really knew.

Wives: 1
Side-ho's: 0

Katherine and Joe Jackson

Joe was a playa playa. EVERYBODY wanted some tall, dark, and handsome blue-eyed Joe Jackson. And you know what...summa er'body prolly had a piece. But he always brought his tail back home with them 9 kids and good ole Katie. Even though he couldn't keep it in his pants (I mean really.... 9 kids that we know of) he loved him some Katie. Since 1949 AND they STILL TOGETHER (well kinda)...Plus Katherine got the advantage of having control of MJ's ish????? Oh yeah, once again the wife prevails and side-ho loses.......

Wives: 2
Side-ho's: 0

Swizz Beatz and Mashonda

Well this one is on another note. I guess sometime we all gotta give up a point or 2. Although this coulda been a shut out, this story takes me on a whole different level. There are rumors that he did cheat on Mashonda with Alicia, but some say it was after they were separated. Whatever the case we will give y'all this one....


Wives: 2
Side-ho's: 1

John and Kate Gosselin

Everybody thought it was so cute they they had all them kids at once (okay not everyone, I rarely watched the show)....anyway I guess all them little rugrats running around finally got to John cuz he got him a lil dip on the side. She thought she was winning for a while too....Eventually John and Kate got a divorce. Jon said some dumb stuff like Kate was cheating too (that is always the excuse. What ever happened to 2 wrongs?????). Looking back at it a year later...Kate is back on TV still getting her fame on even with all them kids. Now where is John????? GO ahead, I'll wait.........*hums jeopardy theme* yeah that's what I thought.

Wives: 3
Side-ho's: 1

Bill and Hillary Clinton

Okay so this has to be the ultimate betrayal of le' side-ho. I mean er'body and they mama knew about Bill and Monica. We still use catchy phrases based on the popular statement "I did not have sexual relations with that woman". DANG Monica. First of all Bill straight up dismissed you right there. "That woman"???? He couldn't even call you by your gubment name. That how much respect the side-ho's get. Men/women sometimes get weak and they allow you to get under the desk at the oval office and....well you know the story....but when it comes down to it they go back to their powerful wife who eventually becomes senator of New York and then Secretary of State for one of the most popular Presidents be the judge.

Wives: 4
Side-ho's: 1

Jesse James and Sandra Bullock

Really Jesse??? Your wife was already a pretty nice looking woman and a good actress. Then you wait 'til she got academy awards and er'thang to go and do THIS????????
Really Jesse??? For Real???

Mr. Jesse James you are still losing for this one. I mean you ain't have nuthin better ta do???? You lose just for wasting everybody's time to look at this hot mess. Anyway I heard the family is going to spend Christmas together. Yes THE FAMILY....which does not include the side-ho special. See side-ho's can never get a break (not that they need one). Plus Sandra is still an Oscar winning actress and Kat....well she ain't even worth taumbout.

Wives: 5
Side-ho's: 1

I gotta group all of these together since groupies of sports players seems to ALWAYS be around. I mean I ain't sayin she a gold digger.....but'er'uh......ANYWAY

  • Michael and Juanita Jordan - 17 years  she put up with it (maybe not all 17 years) but in the end she walked off with $168 Million!!!!! I mean I know Mike is the G.O.A.T. but even that GOTSTA hurt a dude heart (and pockets). $168 Million???!?!?!?!?!?!!? I would say Juanita is winning. 

  •  Shaq and Shaunie - Well besides the child and spousal support she wins because.... well look at him.... 
Shaq is a hot mess LOL
 okay for real, cuz I don't want anyone to think that leaving their spouse for physical appearance is warranted in any way. But Shaq can't be just living with the strippers who probably own that wig he has on. Shaunie wins here for walking away with big bucks in spousal and child support as well as getting a role in her reality tv show. Side-ho who? EXACTLY.
  • Kobe and Vanessa - yeah the ho's came swarming. I mean he is one of the greatest players...wait let me save that argument for another blog. Anyway the side-ho's tried to dip in, wasn't satisfied so they threw in rape accusations and er'thang. But what did Kobe do after all that??? He PUT A RING ON IT! And not no punk ring neither. He spent FO' MILLION DOLLAHS $$$$$$$ on it! So not only does he stay with wifey, he shows her that it is worth the stay. Not saying people should stay for material reasons, but I think you know what I mean when you see it.....


Wives: 8
Side-ho's: 1

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston

I have to admit that Brangelina grew on me after a few years. I look at them and I say awwwww look at all those kids and stuff. They are some humani...humanita......they so nice with they money!!!!! :D and they be adopting every needy kid that ain't American that they can find. Then I thought about it. THAT DIRTY DAWG left the best girl that was on friends for her!!! All Angelina did was got all pouty mouthed and whipped a gun out on him prolly. I don't know what else she whipped on him but she was Doin it, and Doin it, and Doin it well *does that LL dance from the video*. Angelina broke up what seemed to be one of those perfect Prince Charming and Cinderella Marriages with one pucker of them lips. She actually gets an extra point from me on this one.


Wives: 8
Side-ho's: 3

BUT FINALLY.....................The shot that put us over the top. It was 5 seconds left in the game. This was a 4 point play, with a flagrant foul on top of a home run with a touch down and a field goal PLUS a Hole in One!!!!! (that last one should have tipped you off)

Tiger and Elin Woods
Yep she is smiling!

Do I have to really go into this many $$$$$$$ mil's did Elin get???? 'Nuff said!!!

*Doin Holy Ghost Dip*

Wives: 1,000,000,000,008
Side-Ho's:............don't even matta no mo'

*holding up gold medals*


Saturday, December 4, 2010

Let it snow????? WTH?!?!?!?!?!

I can't stand NOBODY who sings that song (well Boys II Men's version is hot but not that other one).....ANYWAY....I can't stand when it snows and anyone who is dreaming of a white Christmas needs to quit smokin that crack. (CRACK IS WHACK!!!)

Winter in Chicago is like eating fried Oreos or drinking a diet coke  with a Big Mac with large fries and extra is TOTALLY out of hand! I am so mad cuz I woke up this morning with my vehicle covered and I had no idea it was even gonna snow.You never know what to expect in this city. One December I remember it was about 20 degrees about 5 am.....about noon it was 65.........then about 4 hours later is was 32 and snowing.........Chicago winters are just out of control.

(I really need this sweatshirt in my life. You think the snow is listening?)

If I hear one more person saying "Yea its snowing" I will poke my eyes out with a snow shovel. The only people screaming this nonsense are obviously people who can't drive. As if road rage around this city is not enough you want to add snow to the equation? The next person I hear singing "Let is Snow", if yo name ain't Shawn, Wanya, or Nate then YA MAMMA!

Angry and covered in snow,


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

WRAP IT UP! and Don't sit on the back of the Bus.

So today is World AIDS day as well as the anniversary of Rosa Parks cussin dude out 'bout her seat. I can see her now O__o at him like "look I been workin all day and my feets hurt. You best ta gone on somewhere else wit dat mess. You saddown in the back, I ain't gettin up!" Oh the thought makes me proud.....Where was I? Oh yeah today we need to teach our kids some history so they know the things that have been done to pave the way for them, as well as protect them from nonsense. Our youth need to know how to protect themselves from AIDS as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. I am doing this post all in one since these 2 events are falling on the same day. If you'on like it....HOLLA!

1. Wrap it up! It is simple, to the point, and necessary. Stop goin in on these chicks cause they "fine"....ain't nuttin fine about terminal illness. Let's see how them apple bottoms look at the funegra...yeah that wasn't a good visual was it? If you'on want to see it for real then protect yourself.

2. Don't sit on the back of the bus.....Yes Rosa Parks was teaching us a lesson waaaaaaaay back then and she didn't even know it. Do you know what kinda stuff be happening on the back of the bus? Ughn I don't even want to tell you how nasty they is back there. Rosa didn't even want to go back there and see that mess....not because her feet hurt...but because she knew they was back there on some nasty stuff....mmmhmmm my grand daddy told me that. What? You'on believe him??? You're wrong :P

3. Don't trust them cuz they say they love you. If they really love you, they will get tested. Both of y'all can hold hands on the way down to the clintic and smile as the nurse gives you some of those free cheap condoms yes even the minty flavored ones that are supposed to be for.......WAIT I am getting off track. Moral of the story....GET TESTED!

4. SERIOUSLY....I don't want to make this long so I will leave you with this. No, HIV is no longer an immediate death sentence, but it doesn't mean it is fun or easy to live with. Protect yourself and your partner. Be safe and smart.