Saturday, August 21, 2010
As I sat and watched the pain, hurt, anger, and every other possible emotion you could think of, I didn't even know what was going on with my emotions. All I knew is that I needed to comfort him. Whatever he needed, I would get it. When he complained I didn't get angry because I wanted to make him as comfortable as possible. If he said he was hungry I would make him food. If he denied the food once I got it for him that was okay. I just needed to be the best friend that I could be at that moment.
I knew what he was going through, not from personal experience, but I knew all of the signs from when my aunt and cousin died of cancer. The vision and hearing loss, cold one minute and hot the next, then the crazy breathing......I knew the end was near. He didn't want me to tell anyone, but the more he deteriorated the more I knew I needed to inform someone. I wanted to respect his wishes, and although he did have me there, I knew he didn't want to die alone.
So I called his mom and she came right over. We nursed him and made him as comfortable as possible. We both knew the end was very near. She wanted to call in doctors, but we had tried all of that already. I think that she blamed me that it had gotten this far but damn do you think I would do this to my best friend?
I sat and watched him...his breathing was really abnormal now and he was unresponsive. As I went to the sink to get him a cool towel for his warm head, I cried thinking "What will I do without him?". I couldn't stop crying because I knew that I would have to carry on without my best friend. I had never imagined life without him being there. How in the world could I do this?
I sat next to him again, looking at his face. He looked like he was fighting because I couldn't let him go. I didn't want him to be in pain but I didn't want to lose him either. I married this man so young and knew we would spend our old age together. "Why is my husband dying of a tumor?" I thought to myself. I cried again and then suddenly a loud noise................
His alarm clock woke me up. Oh my God it was only a nightmare. I shook him just to be sure. He got up and all I could do was cry. It felt so real. I still couldn't believe I was awake and he was there looking me in my eyes like nothing happened.
We stayed up all morning just talking about how much we mean to one another. I can still feel that crazy feeling in my stomach from that nightmare. I don't take advantage of the time that we have together. If this was a wake up call it truly touched me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
But I did say that I was going to be consistent. So I will make sure to blog as much as I can. I will also get back on YT (which is hard since I lost my camera and all I have is my webcam).
I do go and see the doctor on Friday and hopefully that is the start of me getting my ish together and fast!
Just venting....really not talking about much today.
Monday, August 9, 2010
I haven't blogged in over a month, I haven't been sticking to any diet or fitness plan, I have just been such a wreck. I've gotten so used to starting over tomorrow that this is my daily motivation. The idea that there is always tomorrow shouldn't apply to everything.
So I just got started today. Sick and ti'ed of being sick and ti'ed. No literally I have been sick and tired. I am on this 6 month journey that I will share more about later.
I want to thank all of you who check on me all the time, I just need more motivation. I will be back on YT soon so check out my vids at youtube.com/user/luvmenaturally.
Will check back in soon....I promise this time.
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